LOVE IN THE TIME OF CORONA is Huddersfield Parish Church’s blog series that we’ll be keeping updated with posts from various members of our church in the coming days and weeks. We hope it will help you to stay connected to the church and to each other in this time of physical distancing as a result of the Coronavirus pandemic.

Today’s blog post comes from Mike, one of our Churchwardens

Warden’s blog, stardate 2/5/2020 (Day 44)

Today’s blog is a “Cheer Me Up” one. I have been sent an e-mail from a friend in Greece who thought I’d appreciate an article that she had either been sent or found in a paper or magazine. I thought they were hilarious, and they cheered me up no end. So, to cheer you all up, here they are, I thought they were worth a whole blog page on their own.

They are all (reputedly) sentences that appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water. ‘The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

Ladies don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 pm. Please use the back door.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday:
“I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours”.

I hope you had a chuckle at these. I know from my own experience doing the notices during the vacancy that it is easy to get things mixed up and cause some hilarity where none was really intended.

Remember to spare a thought for Tom Moore, who has just had his 100th birthday. His daughter has asked if he can have a bit of peace and quiet. Having raised well over £30 million for NHS charities and done all he’s done in the last days and weeks it seems a reasonable request!

Finally, a prayer for our time:

O Lord our God,
source of all goodness and love,
accept the fervent prayers of your people;
in the multitude of your mercies look with compassion
upon all who turn to you for help;
for you are gracious, O lover of souls,
and to you we give glory, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit,
now and for ever.

Amen.